Asparagus Theory

Theoretical physics can be incredibly complicated and hard to grasp; it’s much easier to analyze and comprehend things we can see, and these theories tend to revolve around concepts and extremely small particles (very small; somewhere between the size of something small, and something very very small. Hopefully that description can help you visualize better). So, string theory merits a little bit of explanation.

String theory is the theory that all matter is composed of tiny, vibrating strings. This is not to be confused with the outdated, and rarely utilized, String Cheese theory, in which all matter is composed of tiny, vibrating dairy products. Currently, string theory is one of the leading physics-based concepts of matter, but all that could change; Horticulture Physicist Dr. Glenn “Glacier” Valley has come forth with a brand new concept to revolutionize the way we think about matter.

“Glacier” had been working in the atomic gardens near Tucson, Arizona, when all of a sudden, it hit her:

“It just hit me like a ton of bricks; celery theory (Author’s Note: This is the Horticultural Physics term for string theory, based on the stringy bits of celery that get stuck between your teeth)  is completely incorrect!”

Instead of this standard, Dr. Valley came out with a brand new idea; not celery theory, but asparagus theory: The theory that all matter is made of tiny, vibrating spears of asparagus. Dr. Valley had this to say about her fascinating concept:

“Well, matter isn’t actually made of literal spears of asparagus; that’s completely ridiculous. No, it’s actually made of a closely related vegetable. Asparagus simply can’t grow small enough, so, I haven’t yet classified whether it is a new vegetable, or instead, asparagus stalks peeled until they are small enough to compose into matter.”

Some scientists are concerned about the implications: if all matter is made of asparagus, then what is asparagus made of? Dr. Valley said it better than anyone else could:

“Smaller asparagus, of course.”


Onsons: The particle within a particle

All of matter can be dissected into tiny parts, called atoms. These atoms can be further broken down into parts even smaller, which can be broken into quarks, which can, in turn, be broken into various gears, inner tubes, and other bike parts. Somewhere in between the quarks and the gears, you can find the very mysterious “Onson.”

The “Onson” (pronounced ONS-on) is a rarely seen particle that is an integral part of all matter, and while this particle is much too small to be seen, its effects can be witnessed in our very visible world. The main effect of these tiny pieces of matter is the naming convention that they impart unto larger particles; subatomic particles containing these Onsons all have names ending in -on, such as proton, neutron, boson, photon, electron, onion, etc.

For many years, scientists used these names, but they were never sure why; many suspected something, from the naming convention coincidence, and this inspired some research in the subject, but nothing came of it, until just a few years ago, when physicists in a Massachusetts laboratory discovered the existence of Onsons. This led Dr. Guy Skylar to look further into subatomic particles, and attempt to find smaller things than ever before:

“I figured, if this particle exists, what’s keeping there from being particles for every letter, or every sound? Maybe Onsons can be broken down further, into O-ons and N-ons. And furthermore, if those are O-ons and N-ons, are there Onsons inside of them? Onsons could create a limitless loop of -ons. So, I wanted to look into naming conventions from an atomic standpoint; after all, I was in the same class for my undergraduate degree with Dr. John Goldstein-Schweiss, and I always thought he was a blowhard. Perfect opportunity to rub his nose in it.”

Having these two, very current theories running at the same time is exciting to watch; which is correct? Could it be Goldstein-Schweiss’ genetic nomenclature theory, or Skylar’s theory of atomic lettering? Proper Nouns Monthly had this to say about these two theories, and in some sort of way, put forth their own:

“Maybe both theories are correct. After all, genes are totally made of atoms. Coincidence? I think not.”

(Skylar, upon reading this quote, made a rather firm point about it definitely being a coincidence; this is unconfirmed for now.)


Copyright law is a large sector of the law community, and intellectual property protection is certainly crucial. Proving that you created something used to be as simple as proving that you had a copy first. No longer is this the case, with the latest civil lawsuit type emerging in copyright law being “Pre-Infringement.”

Ever since the invention of time travel in 1985, massive changes have happened in many fields, and copyright law is just one of them. Just this week, we saw the first ever pre-infringement lawsuit, where Larry Waits sued known time-traveler Johann Gutenberg for stealing his invention, the movable type printing press (Unfortunately, Gutenberg never showed up to the case, and would be subject to severe penalties, were he not long dead). Gutenberg has also been accused by Marcus Greenberg (D.O.B. 2051) of stealing his idea for the peanut butter and jelly sandwich (case had similar results). We tried to reach Gutenberg for his comments on these lawsuits, but he never responded.

Time being relative, after only one week of lawsuits, Harvard Law School introduced a new  class on pre-infringement, taught by Dr. Harold Herald, the “inventor of pre-infringement law” (D.O.B. 2122). Herald had this to say about the new, emerging field:

“This isn’t even a new field. My father worked in pre-infringement, and his father also.”

Although many are heralding Herald as the father of pre-infringement law, there are numerous pending lawsuits charging Herald with pre-infringement in his invention of pre-infringement, including one from his own father, and one from his grandfather.

Planet of the Dogs

Several years ago, a group of theoretical scientists in Quebec created a machine which they claim allows them to exchange messages with other, alternate universes (the most popular belief held by skeptics is that they are actually exchanging messages with robotic telemarketing machines). These scientists have come forth with a claim that they have discovered their first concrete alternate universe, and a planet they are referring to as Earth II. This planet is intriguing, as it is almost identical to our own Earth, but canines are the dominant species. Also interesting is the apparent complete absence of cats and squirrels. Dr. Stephen Muggs had this to say:

“This reality is very interesting in its similarity to our own; through our viewer, I was able to see and hear a dog asking for spreadsheets on his desk by the end of the week.”

We asked him to draw what this looked like:


“Even some of the prominent and notable canine figures have similar names to people in our world. It’s kind of surreal, actually. “

Some examples are Whoopie Goldberg (Woofy Goldberg), Justin Timberlake (Rufftin Timgrrlake), and Bob Barker (same). Through their research, these scientists believe that the differences between our worlds are potentially caused by the difference in the time progression here and there; Earth II is about 12 years behind Earth I (our world), as evidenced by Earth II’s current chart-topping hit, “Who Let the People Out?” by the Baha Dogs.