Myth Monday: Unicorns

This one is hardly a myth; after all, no one actually believes in unicorns. There was a time when people did, but the truth is, they just aren’t real. The closest things we have are horses and narwhals; but, horses don’t have horns, and narwhals can’t walk on land. So, where did the confusion come from?

Well, in rare circumstances, narwhals can crossbreed with land dwelling mammals- not horses, but zebras. This almost never happens, and in fact, wouldn’t have happened even once, if it wasn’t for the circus operator Thomas Sherling. Seeking an amazing creature for his sideshow operations, he obtained hundreds of animals, trying to crossbreed any two of them. After all of the countless permutations, only a few worked; the Narwhal and Zebra combination, and the Squirrel-Monkey hybrid (released into the wild, where its population exploded; the advent of the Squirrel Monkey).

While people marvelled at the invented creature, there are people who wanted to steal it temporarily, so that they could try to breed another one. They couldn’t actually succeed, as they would only have one, but they wanted to try. This angered Sherling, so to prevent this from happening, he neutered his horned animal, and put up new signs accordingly; “Come Marvel at the Incredible Eunuch-Horn!” The name stuck, but was later corrupted to the Unicorn we know and love.

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History Sunday: Automatic Eyeball Washer

Strange as it may seem, there was a time when households everywhere didn’t have the humble Automatic Eyeball Washer. Stranger still, that time wasn’t even very long ago; the Automatic Eyeball Washer that most of us use daily (and the rest of us, at least twice a day) was only invented back in 1946, by William Connor. It’s hard to imagine a life without fresh, clean eyeballs every day, but that was the reality; after all, no one had time to hand-wash their eyes in the morning. It took forever!

Scott Connor was 11 when his father invented the Conno-Vision Eyewash System. He remembers what his life was like before the creation of this great invention:

“It was fortune that brought my father to invent this type of thing; Dad was completely blind, so the prototypes wouldn’t harm his vision. Actually, that’s only half true; he was born with working eyes, and lost sight in one of them through a freak high-fiving accident. Then his other eye went blind from… one of the early prototypes. But, it ended up working out for him, and allowing him to invent the eye-washer.”

Scott Connor says that his father insisted on hand-washed eyes daily, resulting in lateness to school nearly every day, after the 2-hour procedure of hand-washing. After the invention, he was finally able to arrive at school on time, as the automatic washer only took 30 minutes. Now, through almost 70 years of innovation, this too seems like an extravagant amount of time; as we all know, modern eye washers only take a quick 20 minutes, allowing us to maintain extremely clean eyes.

History Sunday: The History Of History

Humans seem to have catalogued history since the beginning of time. The reason it seems this way, however, is because history is the catalogue of all the things that happen over time, and the time before history was catalogued is unknown to us (as it is not catalogued). As long and as rich a history history has, however, history hasn’t been around forever; it was invented.

Back in ancient Greece, there was a popular philosopher named Socrates. He didn’t invent history, but it was invented by his first semester college roommate, Histores. The two didn’t really see eye to eye; Histores was notorious for partying. It turned out to be too much for Socrates, and they parted ways, to find new rommates.

Histores had an extreme case of short term memory loss. In addition to this, he had a bad case of long term memory loss, and a dismal case of medium term memory loss. Therefore, he had to write down information in order to remember anything. Histores, by chronicling his life, created the first diary, and the first work of history.

As was common in Greek society, the trend spread quickly; fads came and went very fast in ancient Greece. Most faded over time, but history was here to stay. Later on in his life, Histores wrote a short work, called “A History of History.” Look out this summer for a new book by notable historian, Drake Papyrus, regarding this work; it will be titled “A History of A History of History.”

Grass Jacket

For a long time now, fur coats have been a symbol of wealth and status. They are very warm and luxurious, but there are two problems with them:

  1. They are terribly expensive, and
  2. Some might find them morally objectionable.

So, what are the other options when it comes to a winter coat? Ski jackets are functional, but not so fashionable. Frankly, no one should have to sacrifice the luxury of a warm, fur coat, just because they don’t have the funds, or it’s against their morals.

Now, no one has to, thanks to the innovative design of inventor Daniel Pasture, who earlier this week, introduced his brand new jacket design; the Grass Coat. This jacket uses the same technology as sod, and re-designs it as a stylish, living piece of clothing. Pasture had this to say at the Living Clothing Trade Show:

“Now, with just a few ounces of water per day, you can feed and grow your very own living jacket. Just, remember not to overwater it; you’ll be cold and damp, and hypothermia will set in through the soil.”

Experts are excited about this new design, but concerned that it might be too fragile; when winter comes, the grass could frost and crunch. Pasture isn’t concerned about this, however; he actually encourages it, as he says that frosted grass “looks really cool.”

Currently, Pasture is taking pre-orders in Kentucky Blue(Jean)Grass for the stylish, and an inexpensive, low maintenance Crabgrass Peacoat. We expect to see more designs in the future; Pasture is just getting started. This is what he had to say about future plans:

“The future of living clothing? Not just grass jackets, but grass overalls. I won’t stop until I see grass tuxedos at senior dances.”

The jackets start at 500 USD, with 30 dollars shipping; this seems like a lot, but all the dirt makes the jacket weigh about 40 pounds.

Moon Cheese Problems

The moon. The beautiful orb in the sky, that illuminates our world at night (every night except the night of a new moon; that’s “moon vacation”.). We wouldn’t know what to do without it, would we? The old man in the moon, thankfully, is here to stay.

Of course, the “man in the moon” is just a story told to children; we all know that the moon is not alive, and unpopulated. The moon, in fact, is made of cheese; not a person at all. The moon cheese is said to be the most delicious cheese ever consumed, but very few people have been able to try the rare, exotic food. Scientists have wondered for a great deal of time, where did this “Moon Cheese” come from? Dr. Kyle Furbangles believes he has the answer:

“Cheese doesn’t just appear out of nowhere; it must be made of milk. So first, we must figure out how milk ended up on the moon. My theory is that milk was deposited on the moon, a little bit at a time, every time that a cow jumped over it.”

We were suspicious about this theory, but we fact checked with our experts, and they agreed that it is, in fact, a very common instance, to have cows jump over the moon.

Recently, there has been a surge of research in this area; not just for the scholarly knowledge of how the moon was formed, but also, how to keep it from disappearing. After all, we rely heavily on the moon. Back in 1970, scientists worked on samples brought back from the 1969 trip to the moon, and discovered that the moon was slowly molding.

What does this mean? Sure, this can be part of the cheesemaking process, but will it effect the moon’s function? And what about those who don’t like moldy cheeses? No one can tell just yet, but if the moon grows enough mold, a rare occurence can happen; we will experience a bleu moon.

Asparagus Theory

Theoretical physics can be incredibly complicated and hard to grasp; it’s much easier to analyze and comprehend things we can see, and these theories tend to revolve around concepts and extremely small particles (very small; somewhere between the size of something small, and something very very small. Hopefully that description can help you visualize better). So, string theory merits a little bit of explanation.

String theory is the theory that all matter is composed of tiny, vibrating strings. This is not to be confused with the outdated, and rarely utilized, String Cheese theory, in which all matter is composed of tiny, vibrating dairy products. Currently, string theory is one of the leading physics-based concepts of matter, but all that could change; Horticulture Physicist Dr. Glenn “Glacier” Valley has come forth with a brand new concept to revolutionize the way we think about matter.

“Glacier” had been working in the atomic gardens near Tucson, Arizona, when all of a sudden, it hit her:

“It just hit me like a ton of bricks; celery theory (Author’s Note: This is the Horticultural Physics term for string theory, based on the stringy bits of celery that get stuck between your teeth)  is completely incorrect!”

Instead of this standard, Dr. Valley came out with a brand new idea; not celery theory, but asparagus theory: The theory that all matter is made of tiny, vibrating spears of asparagus. Dr. Valley had this to say about her fascinating concept:

“Well, matter isn’t actually made of literal spears of asparagus; that’s completely ridiculous. No, it’s actually made of a closely related vegetable. Asparagus simply can’t grow small enough, so, I haven’t yet classified whether it is a new vegetable, or instead, asparagus stalks peeled until they are small enough to compose into matter.”

Some scientists are concerned about the implications: if all matter is made of asparagus, then what is asparagus made of? Dr. Valley said it better than anyone else could:

“Smaller asparagus, of course.”

New Laws for Cat Broadcast

Radio is not a recent technology, but it hasn’t been around forever; it was developed less than 150 years ago. Since then, radio has spurned massive amounts of progress, creating other technologies in its wake, such as television, internet, and food processors (similar to the “audio processors” used in radio, food processors were built as an offshoot).

On the other side of the same coin, radio broadcast has also always been a massive center of political and social turmoil. For instance, in the early 20th century, people who have red hair were not allowed to be on the radio, and the massive pressure from the community led to the creation of “Ginger Tuesdays.” This “separate but equal” policy was further overturned, for radio equality for people of all hair colors.

Today, we are living through a similar time. Right now, humans are the only beings allowed to broadcast. This is about to change, with a new law, allowing cats to have radio stations. The first station, WMEOW (132.1 FRB), is projected to power on next month, and some people and cats have some very strong feelings about this. One citizen was overheard saying this;

“This is outrageous. First we feed cats, we take care of them, and now they want equal broadcast rights? No way. They poop in boxes, for god’s sake.”

Other citizens are concerned with a potential reduction in radio quality; constant interruptions by hairballs would be unpleasant to listeners. Currently, only a small segment of the radio frequency spectrum is going to be made available to cat broadcasters; a rule reminiscent of the Ginger Radio Inclusion Act. Right now, instead of AM “Amplitude Modulation” or FM “Frequency Modulation,” cats may only use FRB, “Feline Radio Band”. Many cat activists are hoping that this too will be overturned.

Most radio scholars are excited about this new genre of radio entering the market. They speculate that soon, we can look forward to all-cat music stations, featuring favorites such as “What’s New, Human Being?”, “(I’ve got) The Meower”, and “Meow or Never.” Still, there is some concern that that cat talk radio will consist mainly of bad “meow” puns.