Tornado Bears

Usually, creatures are one thing, and weather effects are another thing entirely. They don’t really overlap very much. This week, however, Dr. Maria Turing made a very bizarre find:

“I was just flipping through the local newspaper’s National section, when I saw a headline that read “Tornado bears down on Kentucky.” It took me a few reads to comprehend this, but it still left me wondering; what on earth is a tornado bear?”

Turing claims she got the information from a newspaper, but upon contacting the newspaper involved, they said that they had never heard of such a creature. Turing was baffled; how did they publish an article on something no one has ever heard of before?

“My suspicion is that, instead of an article, it was a cleverly disguised advertisement, inviting anyone and everyone to go visit Kentucky, home of the legendary tornado bears.”

Turing describes these bears as “bear from the waist up, and cyclone from the waist down.” While there are no confirmed sightings or pictures yet, cryptozoologist Theresa Gould has a suggestion as to why:

“Tornado bears sound like the scariest things ever. People probably are avoiding Kentucky, for their own safety.”

(Author’s Note: Although I usually try to keep opinions out of my articles, I must make an exception to say that tornado bears do sound pretty scary.)


Soft, squishy, “Soliquids”

This week was host to a terrible storm, which flew around the world looking ominous, until it finally settled and unleashed its wrath, directly over Michigan. The torrents unleashed by this storm were, thankfully, fairly harmless, and did have some impact on the science community; due to the borderline temperatures we have been having lately, this storm helped scientists discover a new state of matter. This state is a “Soliquid.”

Soliquids are, as the name implies, somewhere between a solid and a liquid. They occur only under strange circumstances, but they definitely exist; we simply have not witnessed them clearly enough to judge them a new state of matter. The “rain” over Michigan this week was so clean cut, it could not be ignored any longer.

The inclement weather conditions were fulfilled by a hail of small particles, soft and squishy gel pieces. In fact, one resident even had this to say about the rain:

“It was so weird! I’ve never seen Jell-O fall from the sky before, and in tiny balls too!”

It’s worth noting that, while some of the gel pieces were ball shaped, most of them were in cubes about an inch in each direction (also similar to a gelatin dessert).

Scientists have been in a real rush to harvest these particles and analyze them, as they are melting rather quickly. Although gels can be incredibly useful materials, these particles have a volatile and temperature-sensitive nature makes them useless as insoles (you will only end up with soggy shoes. Authors Note: I have tried and confirmed this.).

While this was a rare and spectacular scientific event, and many residents of the state of Michigan are thrilled about it, others are disappointed that the rain seems to be “unflavored gelatin-esque.” Children, however, enjoyed a day off of school, due to some extremely confusing weather information. Some even went to the local playground, to play in the “snain”:

“It’s great! It’s like snow, a trampoline, and a ball pit put together!”

We asked one child whether she had tried eating the snow, but she seemed to think that was gross, and too similar to eating “boogers.” We later saw the same child pick her nose and eat it, so her testimony may not be one-hundred percent accurate.

Forecast: Cloudy, With a Chance of Pain

Clouds are mysterious things. They float through the sky, drifting along with no clear course, and just as quickly as they appear, they vanish. These wispy figures were determined only 30 years ago to be a sentient, and fairly intelligent at that, race of creature, somewhere between a sky-whale (extinct) and a sheep (not extinct).

Usually, clouds and humans have a mutually beneficial relationship; Clouds give us “Cloud Milk” (colloquially known as “Rain”), and we, in exchange, feed the clouds with tons of pollutants (pollutants are like mozzarella sticks for clouds. Very unhealthy, but who can resist?). Occasionally, our mostly peaceful relationship with clouds is interrupted by violent outbursts. Dr. Steven Morris is an expert on Cloud Anatomy, and has this to say on these strange changes of personality;

“Cloud fists can be extremely damaging, and getting punched by a cloud once may kill you. I was punched by a cloud and survived, but I have some severe brain damage from it. That’s a common effect of cloud fists, which can be extremely damaging, and getting punched by them may kill you. I was punched by a cloud and survived, but I have some severe brain damage from it. That’s a common effect…”

(Morris continued to talk, even after we prompted him to stop. Eventually, we walked away from our meeting place. The next day he was still standing there, so we called 911.)

Although Morris may seem disjointed, cloud fists (colloquially known as “lightning”) are very dangerous. Luckily, they are rare occurrences, and clouds not using their fists are relatively harmless, albeit frightening. Mark Crosby, a 13-year-old boy who had a close encounter with a cloud, recounts his story;

“It was wet. And it was really cold, too. That’s about it.”

Mark said that his memory was foggy, but he feels lucky to be alive. He still jumps at the sound of cloud shouts (colloquially known as “thunder”).