Vaccine for Car Accidents

Car accidents have been a top killer of people since the invention of the car. Even before then, horse accidents could also be fatal (although the lower speeds reduced the odds). In any case, driving is dangerous- dangerous, until now.

Doctors in a research hospital in South Carolina have developed a vaccine that they think will effectively prevent car accidents, by one simple injection to the brain. The best part? The needle is pretty small, too; only 3 inches long.

The vaccine makes sure that the subject will never run red lights, and will have excellent reflexes, due to advanced mind control serums. Although some are concerned about the ethics of this serum, most are excited to see less deaths. Dr. Holstrum Muller talked with us about the vaccine:

“This is a huge step in modern medicine, and there’s only one side effect; when administered to people with certain genetic codes, like left-handedness or red hair, the vaccine can cause an unbridled will to kill. We’re still working that one out.”

The vaccine will be introduced later this year, so we hope that this kink is worked out soon. In any case, the United States Department of Motor Vehicles plans to have mandatory injections to traffic violators, redhead or otherwise, by 2015.


Brain Irrigation

Preventative medicine is incredibly important, and hygiene is a big part of this. Recently, some strange trends and practices have come around; strange, but effective. One of these is the use of a “Neti Pot”, to irrigate the nasal passages, and clean out your sinuses. While this is effective, there are other things that need to be irrigated as well.

“Ear-igation” is the latest of these trends, to wash out your ears, and go deeply into the ear canal to irrigate around the brain. Now, at home, you can rid yourself of numerous, icky clumps of congealed brain goo, and even flush out common brain parasites.

It used to be that a person had to get open-brain surgery to remove parasites; the benefit of Ear-igation is that it is very inexpensive. Instead of using water, however, most doctors recommend that you use a brain-washing solution, which can be somewhat pricey. But, what are you willing to pay to keep mind consuming brain parasites at bay? Certainly any price.

Scientists are currently developing a special solution that won’t wash out the good parasites. Other scientists are currently working to figure out which parasites can be good ones; the fact that they are doing this simultaneously is being studied by a third party of scientists.