Geodes Full Of Rock Candy

Many fairs, amusement parks, carnivals, and other entertainment events have stands that sell geodes; small, hollow rocks, with insides lined with crystalline structures. These can be quite beautiful, with amazing patterns of crystal, but scientists have discovered a new type of geode, related to human interaction with the earth.

Farmer Lupe Lopez grows sugar cane on his farm in Puerto Rico. To promote a better crop, this year, he planted each seed with a little bit of confectioners’ sugar, in hopes that his sugar would be sweeter. Obviously, this is complete nonsense; “sweeter than sugar” is beyond the reach of the “Kindergarten Sweetness Scale,” and therefore, is an impossible rank to achieve. However, the sugar did seep into the soil, reaching a rich mine deposit.

“One day, when I was plowing, I came upon a strange, lightweight stone. I cracked it open, and inside, was rock candy. I still don’t know how it got its grape flavor, but I really hate grape.”

Up until this point, humans had mined rock candy from the earth, but were never exactly sure how it was created. Now we know; sugar seeping through the soil quickly turns to the rock candy we love. Some earth scientists are excited, and eager to see synthetic rock candies take over, so we can stop ravaging the earth; we shouldn’t have to create massive cavities to find rock candy, rock candy should cause cavities all by itself.


World’s Biggest Fry Quarry Discovered

The following post is sponsored by Crispax™- The french fry substitute fit for a king!

French Fried Potatoes. Not really French in origin, they actually came from Belgium, a French-speaking country. For many years, fries were made out of sliced potatoes and hot oil, and to this day, many people suspect that they are still made this way. Unfortunately, they are horrifically wrong.

In reality, since the noble potato went extinct in roughly 1975 (it is hard to pinpoint extinction dates, even harder when the exterminated species lives underground), all french fries have actually been substituted with an (incredibly) similar tasting material, Crispax™. Crispax™- America’s potato flavor choice for over 30 years- is actually a brand name, but is often used (incorrectly) to describe all types of “tater crystals” used as potato substitutes. While all of them are chemically similar, only Crispax™ has extra Nitromenes and Aminolites for a flavoriffic™ snackeration™.

Crispax™ Corporation (NASDAQ: CRSP) has, unfortunately, had some recent downturns, due to a shortage to the very specific and delicious crystals they mine to create their substitute fries, and also due to the lawsuit brought against them by the FDA, regarding the  fact that Nitromenes are not proven to be A) Nutritious and B) A food product at all. Although these problems have caused some struggles, there is now hope for the crystal shortage problem; Crispax™ Corporation has just discovered, and purchased, the world’s largest fry mine. Robert de Terre, CEO of Crispax™-The Corporation that’s Sweeping the Nation, talked to us about this exciting proposition:

“We here at Crispax™ are extremely excited to bring our new, improved mineral substitute to market. That’s why we are officially changing the slogan of our product to ‘Crispax™- Tastes just like the real thing, but also better somehow.’ We feel that this best reflects the high quality of our product, and also most likely can’t get us into legal trouble for false advertising, since no one alive really seems to remember what a potato tastes like.”

This new mine, in a secret location that is most likely not the moon, is reported to be full of the best, and purest, tater crystals available; the only ones used in Crispax™- The flavor of a generation. Best of all, this mineral complex is extremely high in Nitromenes, which technically haven’t been proven to cause paralysis yet (FDA examination begins Wednesday).