Fossil Records

Deep within the crust of the earth are many layers of ancient stone, compressed over time. Based on the depth of the layers, scientists can determine the age of the contents of our earth’s crust. The layers, from top to bottom, might resemble something like this:

(Note: Years in black lettering, for ease of reading, are worth 14,375 years each. This, of course, is the standard unit of time known as “Super Years.” White lettered years represent actual time. The maker of this chart thought this would be a more intuitive reading method. I’m not sure why.)

As you can see, the deeper you look, the further back in time you go, with two exceptions (one exception being a result of the period between 10,000 and 15,000, containing the “geographic flip.” This was the period when the earth’s crust was flipped inside out like a reversible jacket). Until recently, humankind couldn’t get deep enough into the earth’s crust to access the very deepest layer; this has all finally changed.

Due to organic content of the layer marked “1987 A.D.,” there is a massive amount of prehistoric, dinosaur-based petroleum inside. The amazing part of this is that the petroleum actually was naturally refined into plastics in the midst of this layer, and just recently, we were able to bring some of these plastics to the surface.

Unfortunately, upon trying to draw plastic to the top of the drilled core, the entire layer collapsed. The one object we were able to recover is a naturally-occuring vinyl record, made entirely of prehistoric petroleum products (PPP’s). This was a 45-rpm single of “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was (Not Was).

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New Volcano Emerges; Spews Liquid Gold

In the Pacific Ocean, scientists were puzzled for several days this week as to why the local residents of a small tropical island were being burned alive by slow moving lava. They could have easily avoided being burned, so what happened?

After the lava cooled and hardened, earth scientists, including Dr. Hawk Balkan, went down to the tiny island to investigate, and the problem was immediately apparent; all of the lava was 100% pure gold, in molten form. Balkan had this to say about his findings:

“I don’t blame them; if it was raining gold down this mountain, I’d risk my life for it too. That is, if I wasn’t an earth scientist who knew that he had pretty much a one hundred percent chance of death. Also, I would have brought a better vessel for the gold than a woven basket.”

We were unable to retrieve one of these baskets to display on our homepage; unfortunately, they all seem to have burned. Balkan was distressed at the number of deceased civilians from the lava flow, but was trying to be optimistic:

“Unfortunately, several hundred lives were lost in the lava flow, in what will certainly be a national tragedy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have vacation homes and private yachts to buy. And strippers. So many strippers.”