Fire Moths

It’s amazing how some species on this planet can endure extreme environments. For instance, there are forests of spikes in Asia, where the spikes are tipped with poison, so that any animal who touches these steel-like protrusions would die from the poisoning. How could any animal survive there? Well, the Knight Monkey does, by using a veritable suit of steel armor.

Similarly, there is the mysterious “Fire Moth”. These moths have such a tolerance for heat, that they often live near volcanoes. These extreme temperatures would be fatal to most species, but these moths feast off of the volcanic ash.

Moths, in general, are attracted to light. So, this adaptation is very useful; if an ordinary moth tried to fly into a fire, he would die. These “Fire Moths” often fly through fires, and because they look very much like ordinary moths, they use this skill sadistically, guiding other moths to their deaths.

Now, Fire Moths have moved into North America, as an invasive species, and can often be found in households. They hover around clothes dryers, the heat that they generally enjoy, and sometimes, live inside of them. Living inside of dryers, they eat clothing items as they are placed in the machine; this is the leading theory for the Disappearing Sock phenomenon.

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Vampire Lemur Extinction (coming to a theater near you)

There is a huge, diverse selection of animals that live on our planet; almost every day, we discover new ones. Today, however, scientists have sad news; one of these species has gone extinct.

The Vampire Lemur, found exclusively in Guam, was a very interesting species; it was the only species of lemur to live outside of Madagascar, and was also the only blood-drinking lemur species. Unfortunately, the rare species is no more. Biologist Dr. Henry Flagellum was a specialist in this species, and had a few comments for us:

“The Vampire Lemur is unique. I mean that to the most specific degree; there was only one known ever, and I observed its habits. I feel a little lost now that the entire species is gone.”

Flagellum was later asked if he’d ever heard the phrase “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” He said he had, but we were talking about lemurs, not eggs.

Some scientists are less upset by the news, namely the ones who studied this lemur’s prey. One scientist, who requested to remain anonymous, was less than upset:

“I saw the pictures. I’m pretty sure it was a regular lemur that wanted to drink blood. Frankly, that’s really creepy and I’m glad the so-called “species” is extinct.”

The funeral service for the last Vampire Lemur will be held this Friday. Donations are allowed, but donations of blood are discouraged.

Tornado Bears

Usually, creatures are one thing, and weather effects are another thing entirely. They don’t really overlap very much. This week, however, Dr. Maria Turing made a very bizarre find:

“I was just flipping through the local newspaper’s National section, when I saw a headline that read “Tornado bears down on Kentucky.” It took me a few reads to comprehend this, but it still left me wondering; what on earth is a tornado bear?”

Turing claims she got the information from a newspaper, but upon contacting the newspaper involved, they said that they had never heard of such a creature. Turing was baffled; how did they publish an article on something no one has ever heard of before?

“My suspicion is that, instead of an article, it was a cleverly disguised advertisement, inviting anyone and everyone to go visit Kentucky, home of the legendary tornado bears.”

Turing describes these bears as “bear from the waist up, and cyclone from the waist down.” While there are no confirmed sightings or pictures yet, cryptozoologist Theresa Gould has a suggestion as to why:

“Tornado bears sound like the scariest things ever. People probably are avoiding Kentucky, for their own safety.”

(Author’s Note: Although I usually try to keep opinions out of my articles, I must make an exception to say that tornado bears do sound pretty scary.)

History Sunday: The Even Missing-er Link

Evolution. It brought us to where we are today. And as we know, we evolved from apes, which probably evolved from monkeys, which probably evolved from squirrel-like mammals, which probably evolved from furry plants, which probably evolved from protozoa, which probably, in turn, evolved from the internet, and were sent back in time to prevent history from not happening. That’s a lot of steps, but the important one is the step between ape and man.

Scientists have had difficulty in locating that one step between an ape and a man, the one that fully connects us together. The reason that bones, or other pieces of evidence of this “missing link” are so hard to find, is because of the missing link’s curious nature; it was invisible.

Now, humans evolved from apes, but most scientists believe that apes still exist. We diverged from them, leaving a second species behind, while we progressed. As far as we know (although we can never be sure, due to the ability that these creatures have), these invisible humanoids no longer exist. Why did these creatures go extinct? We talked with evolutionary biologist Dr. Victor Fremmuns about the possible reason:

“Strangely, the evidence is found in lingering human traits. For instance, when a child covers his eyes so he can’t see, he assumes he also cannot be seen. This is a leftover instinct, as these primates became invisible by covering, or at least closing, their eyes. Therefore, we think they eventually went extinct by running off of cliffs, effectively blindfolded.”

Fremmuns believes that being invisible was actually a genetic weakness, and we, thankfully, disposed of it. Other scientists disagree, stating their reasons as “Invisibility is awesome” and “Just look at the Fantastic Four and tell me that isn’t cool.”

While we do not have any special powers anymore, we do still have some vestigial proof to support this; the appendix, long thought to be useless, seems to be a defective generator of deceptons, the trickster particle that causes things like invisibility to occur. If deceptons escape from the human body, they will also do things like move keys, make noises in empty houses, put sleeping hands into warm water, and put saran wrap over toilet seats. Currently, researchers trying to harness these deceptons are having little luck, but are finding a very high density at middle school slumber parties.

John J. Clambo: First Mud

The ocean is an amazing place, full of wonder, intensified by how strange it all seems to us. For example, scientists aren’t even sure how water stays liquid at Earth’s temperature, instead theorizing that it should be solid. But a great deal of this intrigue is spawned by the strangeness of the aquatic life, within our very oceans. One of the least understood creatures is the Gunner Clam, found almost exclusively on the exact border between the Gulf of Mexico and the Atlantic Ocean.

Gunner Clams are fairly unknown because they are elusive, and bury themselves in mud. like many other clams. Their use of mud, however, is what makes these clams so unique. Gunner Clams are an extremely violent species of clam, and frequently ball up mud in their “mouths” to shoot and, hopefully, kill unsuspecting prey.

All of this is fairly common knowledge; we’ve all heard the stories of how a large group of Gunner Clams came from the south and helped the Union win the Civil War. This is common knowledge, found in most textbooks, and it makes a good story. Unfortunately, scientists are saying it probably isn’t true. Clam-Folklorist Dr. Rex Burke has this information to support this thesis:

“Abraham Lincoln was, at one point, the world’s foremost clam-digging expert. So, I find it hard to believe that any type of clam would sympathize with his cause, and especially the Gunner Clams, who technically were from the south, and were known slave holders.”

There are others who disagree, and would say that Gunners would sympathize with Lincoln because they are extremely racist clams, and support some type of horrific clam “ethnic cleansing.” This is why Gunner Clams have the colloquial name, “Ku Klux Klams.”

In any case, whether or not this Civil War story is true, we can be certain about one extremely brave clam, who gave his life for our country during the Vietnam War. He truly was a great war hero, and we honor his memory, and owe him a debt of gratitude for his services on the front in Clambodia.

Deadly Flower is Irresistable to Lemurs

Madagascar is a land of beauty, a beauty which is sometimes deceptive. After all, it is an island home to the world’s most poisonous flower, Morticeae mortis, also known as the Quintuple Death Flower. It is given that name because it contains five distinct poisons:

  • Cyanide
  • A unique toxin called Morticide
  • Methanol
  • Anthrax
  • A chemical compound referred to colloquially as Concentrated Burning Hair Smell

Although the flower is beautiful, people know to avoid it, and animals rarely go near it, as they are well aware that it is poisonous. Recently, however, a massive outbreak has occured, resulting in the deaths of over fifty lemurs in one small area near Ankazobe. Scientists aren’t sure why this is happening, but it is clear that the lemurs are eating the flowers. We were able to speak with Lemur Nutritionist Abigail Muntz on the subject:

“All five deadly compounds will kill a lemur, so we don’t know why they choose to eat them now. The flowers grow in patches, and near each of the affected patches are the bodies of poisoned lemurs. You’d think the lemurs would take this as a sign, but they just keep eating them. We took some flowers back to the lab for tests, and found something strange; the flowers are literally coated in honey.”

Abigail also reported that, after smelling the particularly delicious honey, one of her lab employees couldn’t resist taking a lick, and is currently in intensive care. We hope for his speedy recovery.

Why would there be honey on a deadly flower? It seems like an unnatural occurence. What appears to be happening is the devilish work of some specially bred bees.

Aino Rakotomalala is a beekeeper in the affected area, and has specifically bred his bees to be extremely smart, and to hate lemurs.

“I not only raise bees, but I also farm fruit. When the lemurs eat my fruit, I lose money. So, I trained my bees to kill the lemurs. My bees are the best, and bred for passive-aggressive hatred.”

These bees, bred for a sadism gene, sacrifice their valuable honey to lure lemurs to eat the deadly flowers. While this is amazing work for bees, it is terrible for the lemurs. The honey, however, is supposed to be incredible, and irresistable (Dr. Muntz refused to send me a flower example, with fear I might try to eat it). Currently, some lucky lemurs are being proactively treated at a rehabilitation center, to resist the epidemic of honey addiction among lemurs. We have heard from some lemurs (who, for obvious reasons, wish to remain anonymous) that they can resist the urge, but might need to substitute with maple syrup.