Gene for Narcissism Faces Extinction

Genetic science has recently focused on identifying personality traits; jealousy, selfishness, a predisposition to vertically striped clothing, etc. One of these genetic traits is Narcissism. Unfortunately, this gene seems to be slowly disappearing. Dr. Glenn Walker explains his theory as to why this is:

“Genes die out through Darwinism; non-useful genes are eliminated. Narcissism isn’t very useful, and most people find it very unattractive. Also, people who are narcissists are so poorly liked that their friends often punch them in the reproductive organs. This prevents the gene from being reproduced as well.”

This is an interesting case, Dr. Walker elaborates, due to the unpleasant nature of the gene.

“We face a dilemma, because, as scientists, we do want to prevent extinction as much as possible, but even we contribute to this ‘problem’; I personally punched three narcissists today.”

Dr. Walker suggests that narcissism will be completely gone within 50 years. While this is exciting for those haters of narcissism, it is still sad to see something die out. In addition, there is no telling what damage this will do to the American mirror industry; stocks are already dropping in anticipation.

Fire Moths

It’s amazing how some species on this planet can endure extreme environments. For instance, there are forests of spikes in Asia, where the spikes are tipped with poison, so that any animal who touches these steel-like protrusions would die from the poisoning. How could any animal survive there? Well, the Knight Monkey does, by using a veritable suit of steel armor.

Similarly, there is the mysterious “Fire Moth”. These moths have such a tolerance for heat, that they often live near volcanoes. These extreme temperatures would be fatal to most species, but these moths feast off of the volcanic ash.

Moths, in general, are attracted to light. So, this adaptation is very useful; if an ordinary moth tried to fly into a fire, he would die. These “Fire Moths” often fly through fires, and because they look very much like ordinary moths, they use this skill sadistically, guiding other moths to their deaths.

Now, Fire Moths have moved into North America, as an invasive species, and can often be found in households. They hover around clothes dryers, the heat that they generally enjoy, and sometimes, live inside of them. Living inside of dryers, they eat clothing items as they are placed in the machine; this is the leading theory for the Disappearing Sock phenomenon.

Vampire Lemur Extinction (coming to a theater near you)

There is a huge, diverse selection of animals that live on our planet; almost every day, we discover new ones. Today, however, scientists have sad news; one of these species has gone extinct.

The Vampire Lemur, found exclusively in Guam, was a very interesting species; it was the only species of lemur to live outside of Madagascar, and was also the only blood-drinking lemur species. Unfortunately, the rare species is no more. Biologist Dr. Henry Flagellum was a specialist in this species, and had a few comments for us:

“The Vampire Lemur is unique. I mean that to the most specific degree; there was only one known ever, and I observed its habits. I feel a little lost now that the entire species is gone.”

Flagellum was later asked if he’d ever heard the phrase “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” He said he had, but we were talking about lemurs, not eggs.

Some scientists are less upset by the news, namely the ones who studied this lemur’s prey. One scientist, who requested to remain anonymous, was less than upset:

“I saw the pictures. I’m pretty sure it was a regular lemur that wanted to drink blood. Frankly, that’s really creepy and I’m glad the so-called “species” is extinct.”

The funeral service for the last Vampire Lemur will be held this Friday. Donations are allowed, but donations of blood are discouraged.

Tornado Bears

Usually, creatures are one thing, and weather effects are another thing entirely. They don’t really overlap very much. This week, however, Dr. Maria Turing made a very bizarre find:

“I was just flipping through the local newspaper’s National section, when I saw a headline that read “Tornado bears down on Kentucky.” It took me a few reads to comprehend this, but it still left me wondering; what on earth is a tornado bear?”

Turing claims she got the information from a newspaper, but upon contacting the newspaper involved, they said that they had never heard of such a creature. Turing was baffled; how did they publish an article on something no one has ever heard of before?

“My suspicion is that, instead of an article, it was a cleverly disguised advertisement, inviting anyone and everyone to go visit Kentucky, home of the legendary tornado bears.”

Turing describes these bears as “bear from the waist up, and cyclone from the waist down.” While there are no confirmed sightings or pictures yet, cryptozoologist Theresa Gould has a suggestion as to why:

“Tornado bears sound like the scariest things ever. People probably are avoiding Kentucky, for their own safety.”

(Author’s Note: Although I usually try to keep opinions out of my articles, I must make an exception to say that tornado bears do sound pretty scary.)

Brutal Engineered Virus Discovered

World War II was a scary time; every nation involved was trying to build arms bigger and more dangerous than the arms of their enemies. The United States had projects to create incredibly destructive bombs, and eventually, developed nuclear warheads. This immense power was thought to be the most horrifying weapon ever used, let alone the worst from that era.

Biological warfare, however, can be difficult to detect; remember how long it took us to figure out that one strain of smallpox was engineered by Vlad the Impaler? We didn’t discover that it was created in the “Vlad Lab” until just a few years ago. Now, with some amazing new technology in the field of Historical Biology, we can determine where diseases derive from. One of these diseases is a particularly famous, and horrific, one; Hiccups.

That’s right, the hiccup, often regarded as “Nature’s Greatest Hint of Hating Humanity,” is actually not a creation of nature at all; instead, it was created in laboratories, near Munich, Germany, as part of the Axis powers’ attempt to use powerful biological weapons against the Allied powers. Going on the information given by this new technology, we were able to find some information from these labs:

“We are nearing completion of the virus; theoretically, when it strikes, it should cause any human being to instantly go into cardiac arrest.”

Obviously, this doesn’t happen; the virus isn’t strong enough. However, extended cases of hiccups can easily make one wish for cardiac arrest.

The worst part about hiccups is that they stay in your system. Once you get them, they never fully go away; they only go into remission. Then, hiccups can come back at any time, triggered seemingly by nothing. This is another mystery just recently solved: The trigger of hiccups is, in fact, nothing. This randomizing aspect makes the disease particularly dreadful.

Luckily, very few people have died from hiccups, and the Nazi forces found them to backfire, so that we are not the only ones plagued with the illness. Some say Hitler himself died of hiccups; others think he killed himself after having a bad bout of them. Either way, hiccups are here to stay.

The Mole Connection

As we discussed last week, in our article on the genetic effect on nomenclature, the reason that things are named identically is no coincidence; it is ingrained in our genetic code. Dr. John Goldstein-Schweiss is well known for drawing the connection between Kevin Bacon, Sir Francis Bacon, and Bacon (explaining why all are so beloved), but has now moved on to a new subject: Moles.

In the English language, there are four types of moles:

  1. The alternative name for a spy
  2. The small, furry rodent
  3. The small, sometimes furry skin spot
  4. The small, rarely furry measurement of quantity, used in chemistry

(Additionally, if you use the uncommon dialect of English only spoken by dolphins, “mole” can also mean a small, furry starfish)

As you can see, none of these are clearly related. Goldstein-Schweiss, however, theorizes that this naming convention is no coincidence, instead relating directly to our genetic language.

So, to be broken down further, we look into the ancient language, Chromosan, where we find the word “mole” to be made of two, shorter words:

MO: Small

LE: Furry

These descriptions do seem to fit fairly well for most of the definitions (even the definition of the dolphin). However, the first one seems to be an outlier. How is it that the others fit, but that one doesn’t? Goldstein-Schweiss has insight:

“We can’t really interpret all Chromosan words entirely; genes speak in a language of high context, with lots of idioms that we may not understand. For example, if we were to say, “Where is my hat?,” using Chromosan contextual language, it would translate more directly to “Moroccan gunslinger quad-core new years eve.” This is a very common expression in Chromosan, it just doesn’t translate well.

Based on this, some scientists are concerned that we could cause great harm by misinterpreting these context cues: Cyanide, for instance, comes from three words:

Cy: Candy

Ani: Chocolate

De: Yum yum

This, of course, is a direct result of high-context speech by sarcastic genes.

Gold Bone Syndrome: The Legend of a World Record Holder

The library of malfunctions that can occur in the human body expands daily. Although many of them are so rare that the knowledge doesn’t come into play often, they are still fascinating, and the medicine-curious find them medically curious. One such syndrome is the extremely rare, and strange, Gold Bone Syndrome.

Gold Bone Syndrome is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; an affliction of the bones, that causes them to slowly turn into gold. While this isn’t particularly damaging, it eventually causes the affected human to become so heavy that he or she cannot even move. Clarence Molgren is the only person known to have ever had this disease, and he was kind enough to talk to us about it:

“The first place it started to affect was my teeth. I knew something was wrong; your teeth aren’t supposed to spontaneously turn to gold, but I didn’t see a doctor. I just looked too cool, and why would I want to ruin it? Plus, I won a world record for coolest teeth.”

Molgren dealt with the syndrome for years, eventually growing so heavy as to weigh 1,500 lbs. (setting his next two world records, “World’s Heaviest Man” and “World’s Skinniest Fat Guy”). This was when his condition became extremely debilitating, and he finally decided to call a doctor. This doctor finally diagnosed him with GBS, and after discovering a simple remedy (removing every bone in his body, and replacing them with lightweight aluminum), set out to cure him.

Upon the manufacturing of the artificial bones, Molgren was sent into surgery, for some extremely slow, and painful work. All the surgery was extremely costly, but Molgren was able to pay for it with one of his ribs, and received a large sum of money as change. This gave him his fourth world record, for being the only person in the world to profit from having surgery. He was able to sell the rest of his removed bones for a massive quantity of currency.

After all the operations, Molgren was a new man, more physically powerful in every way than a normal human being; the aluminum bones were state-of-the-art. He still gets a lot of attention for it, especially for his record for being the only person to ever have all their bones replaced. When asked about this mixed attention, and the suffering he had to go through to get where he ended up, he had this to say:

“Honestly, it doesn’t bother me too much. I’m rich as f—!”