Vaccine for Car Accidents

Car accidents have been a top killer of people since the invention of the car. Even before then, horse accidents could also be fatal (although the lower speeds reduced the odds). In any case, driving is dangerous- dangerous, until now.

Doctors in a research hospital in South Carolina have developed a vaccine that they think will effectively prevent car accidents, by one simple injection to the brain. The best part? The needle is pretty small, too; only 3 inches long.

The vaccine makes sure that the subject will never run red lights, and will have excellent reflexes, due to advanced mind control serums. Although some are concerned about the ethics of this serum, most are excited to see less deaths. Dr. Holstrum Muller talked with us about the vaccine:

“This is a huge step in modern medicine, and there’s only one side effect; when administered to people with certain genetic codes, like left-handedness or red hair, the vaccine can cause an unbridled will to kill. We’re still working that one out.”

The vaccine will be introduced later this year, so we hope that this kink is worked out soon. In any case, the United States Department of Motor Vehicles plans to have mandatory injections to traffic violators, redhead or otherwise, by 2015.


The New Sun

As you surely know, our sun is about to die; in fact, there isn’t very much time left at all. Our sun is projected to implode, one week from Thursday. While this was initially concerning, several years ago, scientists started working on a solution to this projected problem, and have finally gotten it figured out, so no worries are in order.

On the same Thursday that the sun is going to vanish, the United Nations Space Coalition plans to roll in a “synthetic sun”. Dr. Thomas Unger came in to talk to us on this subject:

“We used to worry about the end of the world, but we eventually found a solution; we made a brand new sun. We basically used scotch tape to put together some nuclear elements, and orange juice. Works like a charm!”

Astronauts piloting the world’s largest spacecraft will be towing the new sun into place next week. While it’s great that all of our lives will be saved, this victory is not without sacrifice: According to Unger:

“Unfortunately, the new sunlight isn’t very natural looking, and we’ll have to live the rest of our lives under what appears to be very unflattering flourescent lighting.”

Intelligent, Aggressive Life Discovered

Human history is extremely short, on the grand scheme of the existence of our universe, and the time we have spent exploring the stars is very short compared even to that. In the past hundred years or so, however, we have made immense strides in space observation and travel.

This week, astronomers at the Heath-Luftman Space Research Center claimed to have found proof positive that life lives in a distant galaxy. This newly realized, “angry galaxy,” is about 143 megaparsecs away, and was first observed by Galileo in 1622:

“Today marks an incredible finding; a distant formation, that appears to be a figure of a hand, with middle finger extended. What a strange thing to happen! Could it be pure coincidence, or someone’s celestial design? Only time will tell!”

Now, nearly 400 years later, time has told; this galaxy has rearranged its stars to a new, and recognizable, shape; the stars now spell out the words “UP YOURS” in very clear lettering. Dr. Gregory Burger discovered this roughly a week ago, and was very impressed with this happening:

“It would seem that some alien race has developed the technology necessary to arrange the stars around them, in the order they desire. Understandably, this takes an extensive amount of time, moving these giant bodies. On Earth, we haven’t figured out how to move stars at all. And somehow, these aliens learned both English, and colloquial insults.”

Many are concerned, however, that we have finally discovered extraterrestrial life, and they inexplicably already hate us. For more about our Intergalactic Foreign Policy, see our (nonexistant) sister site, Weekly Politics Week, Special Topics; Politics.

For further updates to this story, check this blog regularly, as sometime in the next 400 years, we project that these star-dwellers will rearrange their galaxy into a new shape. There is currently a pool for all who wish to bet on what the next shape will be; currently, popular bets seem to be various lewd body parts.