New Volcano Emerges; Spews Liquid Gold

In the Pacific Ocean, scientists were puzzled for several days this week as to why the local residents of a small tropical island were being burned alive by slow moving lava. They could have easily avoided being burned, so what happened?

After the lava cooled and hardened, earth scientists, including Dr. Hawk Balkan, went down to the tiny island to investigate, and the problem was immediately apparent; all of the lava was 100% pure gold, in molten form. Balkan had this to say about his findings:

“I don’t blame them; if it was raining gold down this mountain, I’d risk my life for it too. That is, if I wasn’t an earth scientist who knew that he had pretty much a one hundred percent chance of death. Also, I would have brought a better vessel for the gold than a woven basket.”

We were unable to retrieve one of these baskets to display on our homepage; unfortunately, they all seem to have burned. Balkan was distressed at the number of deceased civilians from the lava flow, but was trying to be optimistic:

“Unfortunately, several hundred lives were lost in the lava flow, in what will certainly be a national tragedy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have vacation homes and private yachts to buy. And strippers. So many strippers.”

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