History Sunday: The Bench Revolution

War is a terrible thing. It can lead people to do horrible, unspeakable acts, like killing people, burning homes, and trying new types of food that look unpleasant but might actually be pretty good. Most wars are bloody and violent, but there is at least one war that wasn’t bloody at all; The Seating War (It was, however, very violent).

The Seating War was a violent battle between the Sofites and the Chairites; these two combatants were very adamant about the types of seating that they used, and couldn’t let the other win. The Sofites loved only soft couches, and the Chairites believed in beautiful wooden chairs. Both parties believed that their way was the only way that could be correct. The Sofites claimed this was their goal:

“We want to end the tyranny of narrow seating, and sometimes hard, wooden bottom-places. We are tired of the Chairites, oppressing our behinds! Let us be liberated!”

On the other hand, the Chairites felt differently:

“There is a constant need for support; a firm seat is all that one needs! We need no seats that sag under constant pressure, but a true seat for one, for an autonomous nation!”

In the end, the two races organized a sit-off. Their armies sat in their respective pieces of furniture, in a competition to see who could sit there the longest. This sit-off went on for five long years, with soldiers growing weak with lack of exercise.

Eventually, one soldier broke the silence. No one is sure if he was a Sofite, a Chairite, or even a third party Chairdeskian (favoring attached chairs and desks), but he was so angry that he went to one side, and kicked the back off of the seat of one member of that army. Chaos ensued; many couches and chairs were de-backed, and broken that day.

When all was said and done, however, no one was hurt, and both races of people were left with brand new types of seating. The Sofites had found their couches made into benches, and the Chairites now had the ever-popular stool. While war is dangerous and barbaric, some good can, in fact, come of it.


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