Asparagus Theory

Theoretical physics can be incredibly complicated and hard to grasp; it’s much easier to analyze and comprehend things we can see, and these theories tend to revolve around concepts and extremely small particles (very small; somewhere between the size of something small, and something very very small. Hopefully that description can help you visualize better). So, string theory merits a little bit of explanation.

String theory is the theory that all matter is composed of tiny, vibrating strings. This is not to be confused with the outdated, and rarely utilized, String Cheese theory, in which all matter is composed of tiny, vibrating dairy products. Currently, string theory is one of the leading physics-based concepts of matter, but all that could change; Horticulture Physicist Dr. Glenn “Glacier” Valley has come forth with a brand new concept to revolutionize the way we think about matter.

“Glacier” had been working in the atomic gardens near Tucson, Arizona, when all of a sudden, it hit her:

“It just hit me like a ton of bricks; celery theory (Author’s Note: This is the Horticultural Physics term for string theory, based on the stringy bits of celery that get stuck between your teeth)  is completely incorrect!”

Instead of this standard, Dr. Valley came out with a brand new idea; not celery theory, but asparagus theory: The theory that all matter is made of tiny, vibrating spears of asparagus. Dr. Valley had this to say about her fascinating concept:

“Well, matter isn’t actually made of literal spears of asparagus; that’s completely ridiculous. No, it’s actually made of a closely related vegetable. Asparagus simply can’t grow small enough, so, I haven’t yet classified whether it is a new vegetable, or instead, asparagus stalks peeled until they are small enough to compose into matter.”

Some scientists are concerned about the implications: if all matter is made of asparagus, then what is asparagus made of? Dr. Valley said it better than anyone else could:

“Smaller asparagus, of course.”


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