Intelligent, Aggressive Life Discovered

Human history is extremely short, on the grand scheme of the existence of our universe, and the time we have spent exploring the stars is very short compared even to that. In the past hundred years or so, however, we have made immense strides in space observation and travel.

This week, astronomers at the Heath-Luftman Space Research Center claimed to have found proof positive that life lives in a distant galaxy. This newly realized, “angry galaxy,” is about 143 megaparsecs away, and was first observed by Galileo in 1622:

“Today marks an incredible finding; a distant formation, that appears to be a figure of a hand, with middle finger extended. What a strange thing to happen! Could it be pure coincidence, or someone’s celestial design? Only time will tell!”

Now, nearly 400 years later, time has told; this galaxy has rearranged its stars to a new, and recognizable, shape; the stars now spell out the words “UP YOURS” in very clear lettering. Dr. Gregory Burger discovered this roughly a week ago, and was very impressed with this happening:

“It would seem that some alien race has developed the technology necessary to arrange the stars around them, in the order they desire. Understandably, this takes an extensive amount of time, moving these giant bodies. On Earth, we haven’t figured out how to move stars at all. And somehow, these aliens learned both English, and colloquial insults.”

Many are concerned, however, that we have finally discovered extraterrestrial life, and they inexplicably already hate us. For more about our Intergalactic Foreign Policy, see our (nonexistant) sister site, Weekly Politics Week, Special Topics; Politics.

For further updates to this story, check this blog regularly, as sometime in the next 400 years, we project that these star-dwellers will rearrange their galaxy into a new shape. There is currently a pool for all who wish to bet on what the next shape will be; currently, popular bets seem to be various lewd body parts.

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