History Sunday: The Even Missing-er Link

Evolution. It brought us to where we are today. And as we know, we evolved from apes, which probably evolved from monkeys, which probably evolved from squirrel-like mammals, which probably evolved from furry plants, which probably evolved from protozoa, which probably, in turn, evolved from the internet, and were sent back in time to prevent history from not happening. That’s a lot of steps, but the important one is the step between ape and man.

Scientists have had difficulty in locating that one step between an ape and a man, the one that fully connects us together. The reason that bones, or other pieces of evidence of this “missing link” are so hard to find, is because of the missing link’s curious nature; it was invisible.

Now, humans evolved from apes, but most scientists believe that apes still exist. We diverged from them, leaving a second species behind, while we progressed. As far as we know (although we can never be sure, due to the ability that these creatures have), these invisible humanoids no longer exist. Why did these creatures go extinct? We talked with evolutionary biologist Dr. Victor Fremmuns about the possible reason:

“Strangely, the evidence is found in lingering human traits. For instance, when a child covers his eyes so he can’t see, he assumes he also cannot be seen. This is a leftover instinct, as these primates became invisible by covering, or at least closing, their eyes. Therefore, we think they eventually went extinct by running off of cliffs, effectively blindfolded.”

Fremmuns believes that being invisible was actually a genetic weakness, and we, thankfully, disposed of it. Other scientists disagree, stating their reasons as “Invisibility is awesome” and “Just look at the Fantastic Four and tell me that isn’t cool.”

While we do not have any special powers anymore, we do still have some vestigial proof to support this; the appendix, long thought to be useless, seems to be a defective generator of deceptons, the trickster particle that causes things like invisibility to occur. If deceptons escape from the human body, they will also do things like move keys, make noises in empty houses, put sleeping hands into warm water, and put saran wrap over toilet seats. Currently, researchers trying to harness these deceptons are having little luck, but are finding a very high density at middle school slumber parties.

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