The Soap Soap

Let’s start this one off with a poll: Who here has peeled a bar of soap before using it for the first time? The better question is, who hasn’t? After all, we all know that soap from a factory is absolutely filthy on the outside layer, and it’s a waste of water to thoroughly scrub soap before first use. Peeling seems like the only option to many frustrated, helpless Americans.

What if you could get soap from the store, and expect it to be clean? It would be truly amazing if you could use the soap without heavy cleansing. Now, this futuristic vision has come true, with a supercleanser that soap factories are calling “The Soap Soap.”

Head of Development at Squeaky Soaps Corporation, Mr. Stanley Washington, had this to say about his company’s amazing new product:

“We see this as a massive step forward in soap technology; now, it’s easier than ever for people at home to get clean. We expect that, when this product hits the shelves, we will see a decrease in stinky kids in classrooms by at least 25%.”

We also got some words from the inventor, Ms. Sandra “Suds” Bath:

“Now we can clean soap right in the factory, in a giant vat of Soap Soap. Then we will vacuum-pack the soap, so you no longer need worry about all the work it takes to get some soap; just take some scissors and open a fresh bar up!”

Finally, we spoke to the team’s environmental responsibility expert, Mr. Howard Takingashower, on considerations regarding the effect of this product on the environment:

“There’s a lot of plastic, but we think it is very worthwhile to reduce soap waste. So many soap shavings used to just go down the drain, and now, they are cleaned and used.”

Because Soap Soap has rare ingredients, soaps cleansed with this powder will probably be costly (Soap Soap is made of 95% dirt and 5% diamonds), but the convenience of these new, clean soaps will probably outweigh the $75.82 price tag for many consumers.

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