The Moss Boss

Mind control has been a desire of humans from the beginning of time, ever since famous caveman Ogg Gogor tried to use fire as a mind control device against Rogog Ggo. This, of course, failed (though Ggo was burned to death, which still accomplished Gogor’s goal of getting to play Ggo’s Sega Genesis). Through this point in time, mind control has been all but impossible, with few exceptions, and controlling the minds of plants has been especially difficult. This past week, however, has seen an amazing development: The Bryophyta Tuner, or the “Moss Boss.”


The current prototype, “B-Tuner Mk III”

Mumble Labs have been working for years, in an effort to manipulate the minds of small plants. This marks their first success in this area, and Mumble’s press release had this to say about the Moss Boss:

“This is the first time that moss has been controlled in this way. Before, we could only have moss on the north side, or nothing. Now, we are getting moss to grow on east sides, or even west sides. It’s really incredible stuff.”

We were fortunate enough to get to speak to Mumble’s President and CEO, Haley Muff. She supervised this project personally, and worked closely with lead scientists to develop a usable, and powerful, new device. We sat down with her in a room literally filled with moss, where she had this to say about the implications of the Tuner:

“Currently, we are still testing the Bryophyta Tuner in practical situations; mosses exposed to the Tuner that don’t submit are often hostile, and try to attack our scientists. I say try, because, I mean, come on, it’s moss. What’s it gonna do, I mean, f$%^ing really.”

Muff asked us not to publish that particular quote, but every other quote we had had at least 3 times as many curse words. This was the only usable quote we had.

We are currently awaiting a trial device, so that we may review the effectiveness. They are going into production soon, to be manufactured in Russia, near Mosscow (Incidentally, when Muff informed us of this, our correspondents reported actually hearing the moss in the room groaning).



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