World’s First Sentient Atom Synthesized

Consciousness is a fickle trait, possessed only by highly developed beings. At least, that’s what we thought was true, until a group of researchers discovered, in 2005, that they could produce sentient molecules. The problem with these molecules was that, no matter how miraculous this discovery was, they had to be complicated molecules, and although iron-based molecules learned their instructors’ teachings quickly, if they weren’t practiced constantly, they got rusty. Over further research, the laboratory eventually figured out how to make “smart” molecules out of as few as 4 atoms. Molecular Biologist Dr. Matthew Judd, a member of the molecule research team, has this to say about his research, and his reaction to the news of atomic sentience.

“I remember when we first turned a complex carbohydrate into a thinking molecule; it was interesting, because most molecules operate on commands only, like dogs. These molecules were clearly intelligent. So, when I heard about the new atomic thought process, I was intrigued, as atoms rarely exhibit anything more than instinct. In that way, atoms generally behave like ants, or very hungry people. Now, with consciousness, these atoms make decisions, albeit fairly unintelligent ones. In this way, they are are still like very hungry people, who keep opening the fridge to see if there’s something to eat, expecting things to change one of those times.”

The eventual goal is to get intelligence to smaller and more abundant atoms, known as “Proletarions,” and eventually, educate single electrons, but currently, larger particles are easier to work with. In fact, the atomic research team is currently working with the largest atom ever synthesized, Ununhexium, or Uhh, atomic number 166. This particularly bright atom is currently employed as a motivational speaker to other atoms, which would be great if atoms had ears. Labor unions are concerned about atoms eventually replacing humans in many jobs, but that’s a story for another time.

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