The Phantom Genome

In recent history, a great number of advances have been made in genetic research, as well as an explosion of genetic modification. Vegetables everywhere are now subject to genetic modification, which is a risky thing to do, and therefore, biologists are reluctant to try it on living animals. Using the Hoffman Vegetable to Human Communication System (HVHCS, pronounced HAV-HUCKS), scientists concluded that these experiments can be very painful for the vegetables; they also concluded that no one cared.

Unfortunately, research on vegetables doesn’t translate well to complex animals, and until scientists believe that the tests are fairly safe, they are in need of a new, humanoid test subject. Now, thanks to research from paranormal biologist Dr. Hank Crabgrass, the scientific community may have found it in the most obvious place: Ghosts.

Usually, genetic work on ghosts is impossible, because ghost genes are so resistant to change, due to their extensive ages, and also because people cannot touch ghosts. This new breakthrough allows doctors to go into a phantasm’s genetic code, using, of all things, the little tweezers from a home Operation game, with a light coating of the ectoplasmic medium.

Crabgrass performed the first stem cell therapy on a ghost, using the tweezers to insert the necessary genetic components, and change the ghost’s DNA to give him a genetic predisposition to sarcasm. Later, when debriefed via Ouija board, the ghost was asked, “Did you enjoy today’s experiment?”, and responded, O-H Y-E-A-H, I-T W-A-S A-W-E-S-O-M-E, H-I-G-H-L-I-G-H-T O-F M-Y A-F-T-E-R-L-I-F-E.

Here is the subject in question:


The spirit claimed to be the ghost of a man named Mr. Harry Buttz, but Crabgrass states that this information may be false.


One thought on “The Phantom Genome

  1. Pingback: The Mole Connection | Weekly Science Week

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