World’s Biggest Fry Quarry Discovered

The following post is sponsored by Crispax™- The french fry substitute fit for a king!

French Fried Potatoes. Not really French in origin, they actually came from Belgium, a French-speaking country. For many years, fries were made out of sliced potatoes and hot oil, and to this day, many people suspect that they are still made this way. Unfortunately, they are horrifically wrong.

In reality, since the noble potato went extinct in roughly 1975 (it is hard to pinpoint extinction dates, even harder when the exterminated species lives underground), all french fries have actually been substituted with an (incredibly) similar tasting material, Crispax™. Crispax™- America’s potato flavor choice for over 30 years- is actually a brand name, but is often used (incorrectly) to describe all types of “tater crystals” used as potato substitutes. While all of them are chemically similar, only Crispax™ has extra Nitromenes and Aminolites for a flavoriffic™ snackeration™.

Crispax™ Corporation (NASDAQ: CRSP) has, unfortunately, had some recent downturns, due to a shortage to the very specific and delicious crystals they mine to create their substitute fries, and also due to the lawsuit brought against them by the FDA, regarding the  fact that Nitromenes are not proven to be A) Nutritious and B) A food product at all. Although these problems have caused some struggles, there is now hope for the crystal shortage problem; Crispax™ Corporation has just discovered, and purchased, the world’s largest fry mine. Robert de Terre, CEO of Crispax™-The Corporation that’s Sweeping the Nation, talked to us about this exciting proposition:

“We here at Crispax™ are extremely excited to bring our new, improved mineral substitute to market. That’s why we are officially changing the slogan of our product to ‘Crispax™- Tastes just like the real thing, but also better somehow.’ We feel that this best reflects the high quality of our product, and also most likely can’t get us into legal trouble for false advertising, since no one alive really seems to remember what a potato tastes like.”

This new mine, in a secret location that is most likely not the moon, is reported to be full of the best, and purest, tater crystals available; the only ones used in Crispax™- The flavor of a generation. Best of all, this mineral complex is extremely high in Nitromenes, which technically haven’t been proven to cause paralysis yet (FDA examination begins Wednesday).


New Laws for Cat Broadcast

Radio is not a recent technology, but it hasn’t been around forever; it was developed less than 150 years ago. Since then, radio has spurned massive amounts of progress, creating other technologies in its wake, such as television, internet, and food processors (similar to the “audio processors” used in radio, food processors were built as an offshoot).

On the other side of the same coin, radio broadcast has also always been a massive center of political and social turmoil. For instance, in the early 20th century, people who have red hair were not allowed to be on the radio, and the massive pressure from the community led to the creation of “Ginger Tuesdays.” This “separate but equal” policy was further overturned, for radio equality for people of all hair colors.

Today, we are living through a similar time. Right now, humans are the only beings allowed to broadcast. This is about to change, with a new law, allowing cats to have radio stations. The first station, WMEOW (132.1 FRB), is projected to power on next month, and some people and cats have some very strong feelings about this. One citizen was overheard saying this;

“This is outrageous. First we feed cats, we take care of them, and now they want equal broadcast rights? No way. They poop in boxes, for god’s sake.”

Other citizens are concerned with a potential reduction in radio quality; constant interruptions by hairballs would be unpleasant to listeners. Currently, only a small segment of the radio frequency spectrum is going to be made available to cat broadcasters; a rule reminiscent of the Ginger Radio Inclusion Act. Right now, instead of AM “Amplitude Modulation” or FM “Frequency Modulation,” cats may only use FRB, “Feline Radio Band”. Many cat activists are hoping that this too will be overturned.

Most radio scholars are excited about this new genre of radio entering the market. They speculate that soon, we can look forward to all-cat music stations, featuring favorites such as “What’s New, Human Being?”, “(I’ve got) The Meower”, and “Meow or Never.” Still, there is some concern that that cat talk radio will consist mainly of bad “meow” puns.

“Left” Gravity

Gravity is one of the more famous concepts of physics, and comes with its own lore; the story of Isaac Newton, being hit on the head with a falling apple. Some historians suspect that the fruit involved was actually a pineapple, causing a much more substantial trauma to Newton’s head, but those speculations belong elsewhere. In any case, gravity is well understood, and commonly known to people.

As we know, gravity is caused by atomic hormones, causing adolescent atoms to want to be closer to other atoms, and have an interest in atoms of the opposite sex/charge. Don’t worry, this is perfectly natural. So, of course, the most physically attractive atoms are also the most gravitationally attractive. This theory, while unprovable, is currently accepted as the most likely reason for gravity to occur.

Usually, gravity spreads in all directions; no matter which side of a massive object you are on, you will be attracted to it (This is evidenced by the fact that fewer than 2% of all deaths are caused by falling off of the Earth). Earlier this month, this was all changed, with an amazing statue, constructed by the famed modern artist, Pierre Ivanovsky. Ivanovsky created this sculpture for these reasons:

“I wanted this piece to reflect human existence- one half beautiful, the other half completely repulsive.”

And repulsive it was- the complete right side actually was made of such hideous atoms, it repelled everything around it, in a sort of “reverse gravity.” On the other hand, the left side was the most beautiful piece ever made, and was created out of extremely attractive particles, attracting atoms in a way that some planets are even too small to do (these atoms are extremely attractive to other atoms, due to a high number of “charm” quarks). This is astonishing- the discovery of directional gravity.

The United States Government has commissioned Ivanovsky to create many more of these statues, hoping that they can use them for science, or warfare. Officials in the military have already suggested using a combination of pull and push gravity to launch weaponry. Time will tell how that affects the gravity of the statues; as of yet, we don’t know if atoms are attracted to violence, or repulsed by it.

History Sunday: The Big Bang

Once upon a time, there was a world where, in order to kill someone, you had to get very close to them; take your sword, look into their eyes, and end their life. This, of course, resulted in a lot less deaths by violence. Thankfully, those days are long past; now, you can kill people from huge distances, with very minimal feelings of guilt. So, it’s worth looking into where this all came from; the first invention of gunpowder. Where, when, and why, was gunpowder invented?

Most people think that gunpowder is a very ancient invention, created long ago in China. In actuality, this is untrue; specialists believe that gunpowder is only a little bit ancient, and was created in Spain, by Miguel De Encurtidos (in this case, “a little bit ancient” is approximately 40 years old; the Vietnam War was the first war fought with guns). Encurtidos was a food salesman, looking to preserve his vegetables effectively. He wrote about his attempts to find good pickling chemicals in his book, “Preservation, Pickling, and Explosives: The Life of an Awesome Person Named Me”:

“Typically, salts were used, or in extreme cases, pure, 100% Belgian sawdust; these were effective, but I wanted something better, to keep things longer, and with better taste; less woody. So, I set out to invent.”

In his studies, trials, and many failures, Encurtidos discovered numerous impressive chemicals, and unintentionally invented the wedding cake topper (warranting his face being printed on American currency, despite being a Spaniard). Eventually, however, he found something special; an explosive powder, usable to preserve cucumbers. To this day, sticks of dynamite are just rare, red cucumbers, preserved with gunpowder.

February 28th is Encurtidos day, so remember to bring out the traditional scarves, hats, oxtail soup, and broccoli florets. It is an extremely popular holiday among pickle fans and gun enthusiasts alike.

Intelligent, Aggressive Life Discovered

Human history is extremely short, on the grand scheme of the existence of our universe, and the time we have spent exploring the stars is very short compared even to that. In the past hundred years or so, however, we have made immense strides in space observation and travel.

This week, astronomers at the Heath-Luftman Space Research Center claimed to have found proof positive that life lives in a distant galaxy. This newly realized, “angry galaxy,” is about 143 megaparsecs away, and was first observed by Galileo in 1622:

“Today marks an incredible finding; a distant formation, that appears to be a figure of a hand, with middle finger extended. What a strange thing to happen! Could it be pure coincidence, or someone’s celestial design? Only time will tell!”

Now, nearly 400 years later, time has told; this galaxy has rearranged its stars to a new, and recognizable, shape; the stars now spell out the words “UP YOURS” in very clear lettering. Dr. Gregory Burger discovered this roughly a week ago, and was very impressed with this happening:

“It would seem that some alien race has developed the technology necessary to arrange the stars around them, in the order they desire. Understandably, this takes an extensive amount of time, moving these giant bodies. On Earth, we haven’t figured out how to move stars at all. And somehow, these aliens learned both English, and colloquial insults.”

Many are concerned, however, that we have finally discovered extraterrestrial life, and they inexplicably already hate us. For more about our Intergalactic Foreign Policy, see our (nonexistant) sister site, Weekly Politics Week, Special Topics; Politics.

For further updates to this story, check this blog regularly, as sometime in the next 400 years, we project that these star-dwellers will rearrange their galaxy into a new shape. There is currently a pool for all who wish to bet on what the next shape will be; currently, popular bets seem to be various lewd body parts.

PODCAST: Ep. 4; Stomachs of Steel

On this week’s podcast, we discuss recent concerns in the field of artificial organs, brought up by Dr. Ralph Hurley. Hurley is a famous inventor, creating such prosthetics as “The Nose Prism” and “The Rocket-Launching Uvula.” This week, we sit down and talk about his thoughts on artificial enhancements of the human body. You can download the episode here:

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Special thanks to Adam Tobey, featured in this episode.

Soft, squishy, “Soliquids”

This week was host to a terrible storm, which flew around the world looking ominous, until it finally settled and unleashed its wrath, directly over Michigan. The torrents unleashed by this storm were, thankfully, fairly harmless, and did have some impact on the science community; due to the borderline temperatures we have been having lately, this storm helped scientists discover a new state of matter. This state is a “Soliquid.”

Soliquids are, as the name implies, somewhere between a solid and a liquid. They occur only under strange circumstances, but they definitely exist; we simply have not witnessed them clearly enough to judge them a new state of matter. The “rain” over Michigan this week was so clean cut, it could not be ignored any longer.

The inclement weather conditions were fulfilled by a hail of small particles, soft and squishy gel pieces. In fact, one resident even had this to say about the rain:

“It was so weird! I’ve never seen Jell-O fall from the sky before, and in tiny balls too!”

It’s worth noting that, while some of the gel pieces were ball shaped, most of them were in cubes about an inch in each direction (also similar to a gelatin dessert).

Scientists have been in a real rush to harvest these particles and analyze them, as they are melting rather quickly. Although gels can be incredibly useful materials, these particles have a volatile and temperature-sensitive nature makes them useless as insoles (you will only end up with soggy shoes. Authors Note: I have tried and confirmed this.).

While this was a rare and spectacular scientific event, and many residents of the state of Michigan are thrilled about it, others are disappointed that the rain seems to be “unflavored gelatin-esque.” Children, however, enjoyed a day off of school, due to some extremely confusing weather information. Some even went to the local playground, to play in the “snain”:

“It’s great! It’s like snow, a trampoline, and a ball pit put together!”

We asked one child whether she had tried eating the snow, but she seemed to think that was gross, and too similar to eating “boogers.” We later saw the same child pick her nose and eat it, so her testimony may not be one-hundred percent accurate.