Planet of the Dogs

Several years ago, a group of theoretical scientists in Quebec created a machine which they claim allows them to exchange messages with other, alternate universes (the most popular belief held by skeptics is that they are actually exchanging messages with robotic telemarketing machines). These scientists have come forth with a claim that they have discovered their first concrete alternate universe, and a planet they are referring to as Earth II. This planet is intriguing, as it is almost identical to our own Earth, but canines are the dominant species. Also interesting is the apparent complete absence of cats and squirrels. Dr. Stephen Muggs had this to say:

“This reality is very interesting in its similarity to our own; through our viewer, I was able to see and hear a dog asking for spreadsheets on his desk by the end of the week.”

We asked him to draw what this looked like:

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“Even some of the prominent and notable canine figures have similar names to people in our world. It’s kind of surreal, actually. “

Some examples are Whoopie Goldberg (Woofy Goldberg), Justin Timberlake (Rufftin Timgrrlake), and Bob Barker (same). Through their research, these scientists believe that the differences between our worlds are potentially caused by the difference in the time progression here and there; Earth II is about 12 years behind Earth I (our world), as evidenced by Earth II’s current chart-topping hit, “Who Let the People Out?” by the Baha Dogs.

Coffee, the Rejuvenator

The quest for youth is a common struggle of human beings, and a few particularly vain species of fruit-bearing plants. While we humans haven’t quite figured out how to reverse the clock on ourselves yet, we have¬†been able to find a “cure for aging” for some tropical fruits. Just earlier this week, Scott Balto, a dock worker in New England, made an unlikely discovery. We got a few words of reaction from him on the subject:

“I was having a rough morning, so I brewed some extra strong coffee, and took it to work. We had just gotten in a shipment of bananas from Costa Rica, and we found that they were brown and bad. I was so shocked by how horribly rotten the bananas were, I threw my coffee all over them.”

Momentarily after, he looked at the bananas, and found them to be perfectly ripe. He was so shocked by this transformation, he spit out the coffee he still had in his mouth (resulting in a few green bananas).

Scientists believe this is an evolutionary advantage; bananas adapted this way so that those bananas who drink coffee can more easily attract an appealing banana mate, and pass their genes on to their banana baby. This occurrence, however natural, is still rare, because the coffee must have the proper strength, be brewed with hazelnut flavoring, and have 2 creams, 2 sugars.