PODCAST: Ep. 10; Rising Tomatoes

On this week’s podcast, we feature RV vacations, exceptional breakfasts, and discuss resurrection with the prolific Dr. Florence Gordon. Gordon has the incredible claim of being the first person to bring a tree back to life, though this is disputed, as the tree wasn’t moving too much anyways.

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Special thanks to Carolyn Carlevaro, featured in this episode.

Vaccine for Car Accidents

Car accidents have been a top killer of people since the invention of the car. Even before then, horse accidents could also be fatal (although the lower speeds reduced the odds). In any case, driving is dangerous- dangerous, until now.

Doctors in a research hospital in South Carolina have developed a vaccine that they think will effectively prevent car accidents, by one simple injection to the brain. The best part? The needle is pretty small, too; only 3 inches long.

The vaccine makes sure that the subject will never run red lights, and will have excellent reflexes, due to advanced mind control serums. Although some are concerned about the ethics of this serum, most are excited to see less deaths. Dr. Holstrum Muller talked with us about the vaccine:

“This is a huge step in modern medicine, and there’s only one side effect; when administered to people with certain genetic codes, like left-handedness or red hair, the vaccine can cause an unbridled will to kill. We’re still working that one out.”

The vaccine will be introduced later this year, so we hope that this kink is worked out soon. In any case, the United States Department of Motor Vehicles plans to have mandatory injections to traffic violators, redhead or otherwise, by 2015.

Gene for Narcissism Faces Extinction

Genetic science has recently focused on identifying personality traits; jealousy, selfishness, a predisposition to vertically striped clothing, etc. One of these genetic traits is Narcissism. Unfortunately, this gene seems to be slowly disappearing. Dr. Glenn Walker explains his theory as to why this is:

“Genes die out through Darwinism; non-useful genes are eliminated. Narcissism isn’t very useful, and most people find it very unattractive. Also, people who are narcissists are so poorly liked that their friends often punch them in the reproductive organs. This prevents the gene from being reproduced as well.”

This is an interesting case, Dr. Walker elaborates, due to the unpleasant nature of the gene.

“We face a dilemma, because, as scientists, we do want to prevent extinction as much as possible, but even we contribute to this ‘problem'; I personally punched three narcissists today.”

Dr. Walker suggests that narcissism will be completely gone within 50 years. While this is exciting for those haters of narcissism, it is still sad to see something die out. In addition, there is no telling what damage this will do to the American mirror industry; stocks are already dropping in anticipation.

Squid Pens

Pens are wonderful things; easily accessible, and permanent. Reusable pens are even better, when you can refill the ink to reduce waste. The problem is, these can be expensive, and they do require maintenence; who needs all that hassle of changing ink? In addition, they are still not waste-free. Now, a fabulous new pen has been invented to curb waste, and reduce hassle; the Squid Pen.

Squids produce large quantities of ink, pretty much constantly. Why not harnass this ability to create a low-waste pen? Now, Squid Pens have a tiny aquarium at the top of the pen, inside of which a very tiny squid is living and producing ink. Instead of all the expensive ink cartridges, all you need to buy is squid food, to keep your squid alive. The inventor, marine biologist Carl Farley, had this to say about his new pen:

“We specifically breed extra-tiny squids with extra-high ink production. We talked to the squids, and they didn’t have any complaints about their living conditions, either; that being said, squids can’t talk.”

While Squid Pens will be premiering soon, you may want to wait a bit; in a few months, new squids are anticipated with different color inks. I’m holding out for a rainbow squid.

Myth Monday: Unicorns

This one is hardly a myth; after all, no one actually believes in unicorns. There was a time when people did, but the truth is, they just aren’t real. The closest things we have are horses and narwhals; but, horses don’t have horns, and narwhals can’t walk on land. So, where did the confusion come from?

Well, in rare circumstances, narwhals can crossbreed with land dwelling mammals- not horses, but zebras. This almost never happens, and in fact, wouldn’t have happened even once, if it wasn’t for the circus operator Thomas Sherling. Seeking an amazing creature for his sideshow operations, he obtained hundreds of animals, trying to crossbreed any two of them. After all of the countless permutations, only a few worked; the Narwhal and Zebra combination, and the Squirrel-Monkey hybrid (released into the wild, where its population exploded; the advent of the Squirrel Monkey).

While people marvelled at the invented creature, there are people who wanted to steal it temporarily, so that they could try to breed another one. They couldn’t actually succeed, as they would only have one, but they wanted to try. This angered Sherling, so to prevent this from happening, he neutered his horned animal, and put up new signs accordingly; “Come Marvel at the Incredible Eunuch-Horn!” The name stuck, but was later corrupted to the Unicorn we know and love.

History Sunday: Television

Entertainment technology has come an awful long way; the printing press, to the radio, to television, to the internet, every step has made massive progress, and improved on what was made before. This week, in History Sunday, we will be focusing on the development of television.

Back in the early 20th century, box theater was incredible popular; people behind large boxes, with a big hole in the front so that viewers could see in. People liked to watch the constricted area- people want borders. So, naturally, box theaters fulfill these needs.

Due to the small size of most boxes, however, the medium was not suited for large audiences; not many people could see into the box at once. So, wealthy individuals wanted to have their own box theaters, with on-demand entertainment. This worked wonderfully, but the price of owning one of these theaters (and hiring the actors) was tremendous.

Poor and middle-class citizens wanted in. How could they afford such a thing, though? Well, television was shortly introduced, so that these average folks could enjoy this wonderful theater. Rich people were upset, however- they didn’t want equality, so they lobbied to have television only made in black and white. Eventually, this was repealed, much to the chagrin of the wealthy. Box theater, on the other hand, is now fairly unpopular, due to the association with productions by children that the medium has.

Brain Irrigation

Preventative medicine is incredibly important, and hygiene is a big part of this. Recently, some strange trends and practices have come around; strange, but effective. One of these is the use of a “Neti Pot”, to irrigate the nasal passages, and clean out your sinuses. While this is effective, there are other things that need to be irrigated as well.

“Ear-igation” is the latest of these trends, to wash out your ears, and go deeply into the ear canal to irrigate around the brain. Now, at home, you can rid yourself of numerous, icky clumps of congealed brain goo, and even flush out common brain parasites.

It used to be that a person had to get open-brain surgery to remove parasites; the benefit of Ear-igation is that it is very inexpensive. Instead of using water, however, most doctors recommend that you use a brain-washing solution, which can be somewhat pricey. But, what are you willing to pay to keep mind consuming brain parasites at bay? Certainly any price.

Scientists are currently developing a special solution that won’t wash out the good parasites. Other scientists are currently working to figure out which parasites can be good ones; the fact that they are doing this simultaneously is being studied by a third party of scientists.